Star Trek: Flower Power
by Font Bookfarthing
Summary: This one is supposed to be funny.  So the characters may act a little out of... well... out of character.  But that's part of the comedy.   At least theoretically.


Star Trek: Flower Power

by Font Bookfarthing

The _USS Enterprise_ headed through the scary, inky blackness of space. Her destination? Well, I'm glad you asked... the neutral planet Babel. Babel lay between the United Federation of Planets and their sworn, hated, feared, loathed and a bit smelly enemy: the Klingons! And her mission? To make peace with the Klingons... in spite of the way they smelled.

"Captain's log, stardate: space Friday the 13th. All necessary exposition has been done in the opening paragraph, so this log entry is a bit redundant."

Spock, standing next to the captain on the bridge, hands behind his back, said, "You could still use your log entry to give the audience a pleasant little insight into your psychology."

Captain Kirk thought about that for a moment. Then he said, "Up yours."

"Approachink the planet Babel, keptin," announced Ensign Chekov.

"Standard orbit," Kirk replied. "Mr. Spock, scan the planetary system. Have the Klingons arrived yet?"

"No."

He turned to look at his first officer, still standing next to him. "You mean they haven't arrived? Or you refuse to scan?"

"You know," Spock insisted.

"Oh, right. Well then... have Dr. McCoy meet us in the transporter room. We're beaming down."

#

Kirk, Spock and McCoy materialized outside the main conference chamber. The city was a dusty collection of pueblo buildings. Local farmers in rags came and went, dragging unhappy animals behind them. The conference chamber itself was surrounded by peace demonstrators. They sang a song of love. They held hands and smiled. A scantily-clad young lady with some dirt smudged on her cheek handed Captain Kirk a flower as they walked by. "Thank you," he said to her. But as soon as they were inside the building, he handed the flower to Spock. "Space hippies!" he said, the way other people say, "Assholes!"

Spock smelled the flower. And as he did, a tiny spore shot up his nose. "Whoa!" he exclaimed. "That's some good shit!"

They entered the main council chamber where they were greeted by the council of elderly hippies. There were seven of them, and they all sat, hands folded, at their large wooden table, smiling benignly. Unfortunately, they Klingons hadn't arrived yet. And in the end, they had to wait nearly an hour until the Klingons finally showed up.

The Klingons were the original kind with no head-ridges. They nodded curtly at the Federation representatives.

Kirk nodded back politely, secretly wanting to kick their teeth in, stomp on their genitals, slice off their heads, rip out their internal organs, and phaser whatever was left. Mr. Spock however gave them the peace sign. Kirk saw this, and grabbed his first officer by the shoulder, whispering urgently, "What the hell are you doing! Have you lost your mind!"

"Um..." Spock said.

"And get that damned flower out of your hair," he insisted, ripping out a lovely space daisy which had quickly grown out from behind his ear.

(But of course, he didn't get the whole root.)

"I claim this planet in the name of the Klingon Empire!" shouted the Klingon Commander, Kors Light.

"You can't do that," Captain Kirk protested feebly. "This is supposed to be a peace conference."

"Fuck peace!" shouted Kors Light.

"Fuck peace!" his ten troops reiterated rather loudly.

Kirk ran up to the Babel Council of elderly hippies, slapping his hands on their table forcefully, "You people are in charge here! You can't let them do this!"

"Captain Kirk," the chief elderly hippie soothed. "Do not distress yourself. There is no need to freak out." And he and his fellows smiled benignly at the captain.

Commander Kors Light continued, "You are all now subjects of the Klingon Empire."

"I'm a doctor, not a Klingon," McCoy protested.

"Bones!" Kirk hissed in recrimination.

"But it's my only line!"

"Captain," began Spock, "the Klingons are, um... well... you and I and Dr. McCoy could... you know... And the Klingons could sort of... um... on the... on the planet... What was I saying?"

"Be silent, all of you!" shouted Kors Light. "You are all now our subjects! I will expect tributes! And if you go to the nearest Guns n' Ammo n' Bat'leth store, they have a computer list of things you can get for me."

"I reach that," said Spock. "Hey, watch this..." Then he squeezed his eyes shut, plugged up his nose with his hand, and... pushed. Having grown right back, the flower in his head shot out spoors all over the room, flying up the noses of everyone except Captain Kirk for some reason.

They all saw the light. They all smiled. Kirk saw their smiles. And he did not like it. He grabbed Dr. McCoy roughly by the shoulders, "Bones! Snap out of it!"

The chief elderly hippie held up a placating hand, "Captain Kirk, your doctor is now happy. Just deal with it. Everything is cool. Nothing really matters."

"What are you talking about, 'nothing matters!' Of course it matters!"

But the chief elderly hippie just smiled sadly, shaking his head. "You really do not understand. How very sad you make us."

"Yes, said the vice chief elderly hippie. "Sad."

"Deeply sad... baby."

Kirk turned to see who had spoken. It was Spock! And the flower had grown back... as well as another flower and a few leaves. And his eyes glowed bright red.

- Insert Commercial Here -

The bush had grown on Spock's head even more during the commercial. He was now in a bed in sickbay.

And then Captain Kirk entered. Spock had the pillow covering his face, but he said, "Hello, Jim." He took the pillow down and beheld his captain. "Hey, man, you look worried."

"Uh, there are flowers growing out of your head."

"Beautiful, aren't they?" Spock opened his arms, "Come over here and give your first officer a hug."

"Um... I'm not... I mean... no!"

"I love you, captain."

"Oh, hell," Kirk said.

"I understand," Spock said, eyes glowing bright red. "I understand it all now. It's all so simple. I wish I could help you understand the peace off... well... of peace. I know that you are thinking of killing me for saying the things I've said. And I know that these things frighten you. But they only frighten you because they are the truth. I understand that and I forgive you."

"Gee, thanks, Spock."

"You're welcome. I love you, captain. And I love Dr. McCoy. And I love this ship and her crew. And I also love the Klingons."

Now Kirk was just ready to vomit. "You love the Klingons!"

"Oh, yes," said the Vulcan. And his eye bugged out as he said, "My capacity for love is now _infinite_. And it'll just keep on growing... you know that. Why, in just a few days, I will love the entire universe." And he gave Kirk the peace sign.

Kirk lost it. He grabbed his first officer by the shoulders and shook him violently, "You've got to snap out of it!" And then he slapped him hard across the face... several times... wearing himself out.

He stood back huffing and puffing, assessing his first officer.

Spock touched his stricken cheek tenderly, "That was beautiful. You're trying to help me, in your own limited, confused way. Thanks. I really love you, man."

"Oh, my God!" Kirk shouted. "I can't deal with this!" And he ran out of the room. As he marched down the corridor, he passed other people with flowers in their hair. He passed an officer painting the peace symbol on the bulkhead. And then he saw Mr. Leslie streaking.

("Ah," he thought to himself. "Mr. Leslie is not just an extra. He sometimes has a speaking part. I'll have a word with him.")

"Mr. Leslie! What the hell are you doing!"

"Streaking, sir."

It took all of Captain Kirk's will not to look down at Leslie's naughty bits as he addressed the man. "This is mutiny, mister!"

"No, sir," said Leslie. "It isn't. Mutiny is when people try to take over the ship. I'm just naked." He smiled and continued on his way.

"This has got to stop!" And Kirk went up to the bridge.

On the bridge, everyone had flowers in their hair. "Mr. Sulu," said Kirk. But Sulu just sat at his console, face down. "Mr. Sulu!" Kirk stepped over to his helmsman.

Then Sulu noticed him, "Oh, captain. Have a look at this."

"What?"

"These controls. All these colors." And he put his face even closer to his pretty colored controls. "This shade of blue is like... you can see infinity. It's like the entire universe is in here. And it's all so... blue."

"Mr. Sulu... ask me how much I care. Go on... ask me. Ask me."

Sulu got as far as opening his mouth and inhaling before Captain Kirk shouted, "I DON'T GIVE A FLYING SHIT! Now, helmsman, we're getting out of here. I want you to take us out of orbit, and set a corse for starbase 1,379,421,423,980 ½."

Sulu and Chekov looked worriedly at each other. They pressed some of their buttons, then Sulu turned back to the captain and gave him the bad news, "All the controls have gone dead. The helm does not respond."

"Damn!" Kirk reflected. "Damn-damn-damn! Mother fucker!" And he got up and left the bridge.

Sulu and Chekov immediately burst out laughing. "I cannot believe he fell for that," said Sulu. "He must be stupider than you."

"Yes," Chekov agreed. Then paused a moment later, "Vut?"

#

Mr. Spock had meanwhile snuck out of sickbay and made his way back down to the planet surface. He was addressing the Babel council of elderly hippies. "Now, admittedly, I do love Captain Kirk the way that he is. But it would be so groovy if he could be as one with us."

"Mr. Spock," said the chief elderly hippie in his soothing tone of voice. "All things and people are as one. Even if they do not realize this."

"I reach that," said Spock. "I really do."

"Still," the chief elderly hippie went on, "We anticipated your reaction." And he went to a cupboard and brought out a lava lamp. "The creature inside," he explained, "is called an oglaritoid. It will give you advice on how to deal with your most aggressive captain. Please take it with you."

But at that moment, Commander Kors Light and his troops entered the main council chamber.

Spock was happy to see them. He was especially happy when he noticed that they had flowers in their hair as well.

"Hey, chief elderly hippie," shouted Commander Kors Light. "We wanted to thank you for these lava lamps, man. They're really beautiful."

"Well, commander, I am so glad you like them."

#

That night, Spock sat on the floor of his cabin. Nurse Chapel lay nearby with a satisfied smile on her face and several flowers in her hair.

Spock stared at the blobby form of the oglaritoid as it slowly squirmed up and down inside the lava lamp. An hour went by, and still it did not communicate with him.

Finally he was about to try a mind meld when a voice came from the lava lamp, "I am called Bernice. But I am a boy oglaritoid, I assure you."

"I love you, Bernice," Spock said.

"Indeed," said Bernice as he drifted up and down in his liquid container. "So what can I do for you?"

"My captain and friend refuses to see the light. He's a total square, man."

Bernice expanded his tiny, blobby body outwards from the middle... which was of course the oglaritoid equivalent of nodding the head. "Well, fortunately you're on a starship. Here's what you gotta do: take a magnet and rub it over the sychronic feedback circuit of your transporter. Then beam your captain somewhere, anywhere, doesn't matter. Just transport him. It'll split him in two. One who can see the light, and one who only sees dark... metaphorically speaking, you understand."

"Got it."

"Now make haste, little Vulcan. Make haste."

#

Spock went directly to the transporter room, rubbed a magnet over the sychronic feedback circuit, locked onto the captain's coordinates (though what he was doing in Janice Rand's quarters, Spock didn't want to know), and energized.

#

Two Captain Kirks materialized on the planet surface. "This is beautiful," one of them commented.

The other one shouted, "What the fuck are you talking about, asshole!" Their communicators beeped. "Oh, now who the fuck is that!"

The other one thought it might be somebody lovely to talk to, so he flipped his communicator open, "Hi, there."

#

At that point, Spock beamed that one up. Unfortunately he was so out of it that he hadn't bothered to repair the synchronic feedback circuit And the hippie Captain Kirk was now divided in two. As the two Kirks materialized, one smiled and said, "That was beautiful. To be pulled apart atom by atom. It's like I'm one with the universe now."

The other one, a dark hippie, shouted, "Sex, drugs and rock n' roll!" And then he ran out of the transporter room in pursuit of such pleasures.

The super nice one came over to Mr. Spock at the transporter controls and gave him a hug. "I love you, Spock."

"And I love you, Jim. Just not romantically."

"Well, that's not where I was going either."

"Cool."

#

The evil Captain Kirk down on the planet surface ran through the streets of the capital city. There he came across a group of Klingons engaged in an interpretive ballet session. "Ah! Evil!" he shouted, and ran straight for them.

The Klingons smiled as the lovely human approached. But it turned out that the lovely human wasn't quite so lovely after all. He grabbed the bushes growing on their heads, as well as great chunks of hair, and ripped! The Klingons all screamed and bled. And for some really wacky reason which denies all good science, these scarred and bald heads became a genetic trait, which quickly passed into the main Klingon bloodline from that point on.

And so the Klingons left the planet.

#

On the bridge of the _Enterprise_, they received a transmission from the chief elderly hippie. "We have no wish to distress you, but we must ask you why your captain is down on our world, ripping flowers out of people's heads?"

The nice Captain Kirk responded, "It's of course very nice to hear from such lovely people as yourself. But I can assure you, I've been sitting here on my ship for the past tow hours doing absolutely nothing. And, man, is it cool."

The chief elderly hippie was confused, "Oh." Then he just shrugged, "Oh, well. Never mind then."

The camera closed in on Spock, who had that "oh-shit" expression. "Uh... captain?"

- Insert Commercial Here -

During the commercial, Spock and Kirk had contacted the transporter chief Kyle, and asked him to bring the evil Captain Kirk up from the surface of the planet. And since still no bugger had bothered to fix that synchronic feedback circuit thing, two more Captain Kirks materialized. And since it was using an evil Captain Kirk as its baseline, what they got was a mildly mean one, and a super mean one.

The super mean one saw the mildly mean one, kicked him, punched him, kicked him again, and finally jumped up and down on him until he was not only dead, but actually the consistency of mashed potatoes.

Then he greeted Mr. Kyle in the same manner.

#

The bridge crew were just sitting around on the bridge, not doing much of anything, when suddenly the super mean Captain Kirk burst onto the bridge. He saw the presence of the others and howled in rage, foaming at the mouth. He grabbed Sulu from behind and hurled him out of his seat. Then he sat down at the controls and took the _Enterprise_ out of orbit of Babel.

"Vat are you doink?" Chekov inquired.

By way of response, the super mean Captain Kirk bit the young ensign in the neck so hard that he tore right through Chekov's arteries. He then hurled him onto the floor, spun around and addressed the remaining bridge crew, "I'm taking this ship to the Klingon homeworld where I intend to smash it into their capital city and start a war!"

Chekov died.

The rest of the bridge crew just got up and walked out. The vibes there were just not their scene. They all made their way down to the recreation deck where they all just sat around and stared off into space.

"You know," said Spock, reclining on a chaise lounge, "I think maybe we should do a peace march or something."

The nice Captain Kirk patted his first officer's shoulder, "That's such a beautiful idea, man."

"Captain, we must do something," Scotty said.

Kirk sighed, "All right. You and Mr. Spock go down to engineering and try to turn off the engines."

"Aye," Scotty smiled.

It was at that point that they started re-using the music from "The Doomsday Machine."

On the bridge, the super mean Captain Kirk looked in gleeful, psychotic delight as the ship entered the Klingon system. But then the hum of the ship changed. They had just slipped out of warp and were now coasting. The warp engines had been shut off. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" he shouted, still not quite expressing exactly how pissed off he felt.

Then he had an idea. He ran from console to console, pressing buttons. And finally he was able to separate the saucer section from the rest of the ship. Now unhindered, the saucer section continued on towards the Klingon homeworld on full impulse drive.

#

"Wow," Spock said as he looked at the screen and saw the saucer section fly away on its own. "Beautiful, man. I didn't know it could do that."

"Aye," said Snotty, also smiling in admiration. "It's in all the technical manuals. We just never bothered to do it before."

#

On the bridge, Kronos finally appeared on the screen!

Then the doors opened, and the nice Captain Kirk stepped in. The psychotic one turned and looked. The nice one froze, eyes wide in alarm. The psychotic one didn't seem to understand what was going on. And the nice one caught on right away to the psychotic one's confusion. So when the psychotic one raised a hand out to the other Kirk, the nice one raised his own corresponding hand.

Assuming that a mirror was there where there simply hadn't been one before, the psychotic Kirk sat back down in his chair.

Then the nice one dashed over to the engineering controls and jettisoned the fuel. The release of which nudged the _Enterprise_ off course.

The psychotic one realized that it was another Captain Kirk on the bridge with him. He then proceeded to beat the nice one to death. He then pulled the corpse apart with his bare hands and rubbed the internal organs and blood all over himself. And since he was a bit hungry, he tore open the stomach, scooping out and eating some undigested pizza he found in there.

He then sat down at the helm control and tried to get the ship back on course. He watched on the screen as Kronos drifted out of sight. But then he had an idea. He did some clever space calculations in his head, took control of the weapons and fired several torpedoes, which pushed the _Enterprise _toward the nearby moon of Praxis. The _Enterprise _swung around the moon, craters on the surface zooming by on the screen... and there it was! Kronos was once more in the center of the screen and getting larger!

#

On the surface of Kronos, Klingons were going about their usual business of fighting and belching. And then they heard something loud roaring overhead. They suddenly looked up into the sky where they saw the saucer section of the _Enterprise _come screaming out of the clouds above...

#

Back in the stardrive section, with the super-duper long range viewer, Spock and Scotty watched as the other half of their ship smashed right into the Klingon capital city. They watched buildings collapse, they watched fires break out across the city, they watched smoke fill the sky. They watched destruction and death.

"It looks like there's going to be a war now," Spock said.

"Aye," Scotty confirmed.

"Bummer."


End file.
